Gwent Police Log ,'A' Division, Newport Central
Saturday 27th June 2009
1300hrs. The members of Gwent Constabulary were proud to support Armed Forces day as the soldiers from Newport were escorted through the City. The wounded veterans of the 3rd Taliban Regiment of Goat Rapers were escorted from their homes in Pill to the Benefits Office where they were able to claim for disability and other benefits due to their wounds received whilst fighting the British Army in Afghanistan. Those Jihadists who were able to walk were then escorted up to the job centre on Charles Street where they submitted their claims for unemployment benefit before being escorted back home to their parents shops in Pill. The march passed off peaceably apart from objections by members of the far-right British Legion who objected to the police supporting members of the Taliban in this way. Six members of the British Legion had to be Tasered and arrested for Breach of the Peace and taken away to Newport Central Police Station when they tried to disrupt the lawful march of our returning war heroes.
1500hrs. In the course of arresting a Second World War veteran who was complaining about the Taliban march, PC Williams succeeded in firing a Taser into his own hand. Chief Constable Out has taken immediate action and PC Williams is now receiving firearms training that will allow him to use what he describes as “Proper guns like what they use on The Wire”.
1600hrs. A PCSO mistakenly left the door of Maindee Police open and a member of the public walked in and attempted to make a statement about what he called 'a crime' that he had witnessed. Due to increased Government funding in the police the opening hours of Maindee Police Station are 1000-1300 Monday-Friday (not Wednesday, alternate Tuesdays or Fridays during Ramadan) so the member of the public was escorted off the premises and instructed to return to the station on Monday morning.
1630hrs. Newport Central. A member of the public asked if the Police were going to take any action over the local Member of Parliament and his expenses fiddling as a tabloid newspaper had described the member as a “Thieving Bastard”. Sergeant Inman pointed out that the MP was well known to all local officers as they are all members of the same lodge and that Chief Constable Out regular plays golf with the local MP so there was no need to make enquiries into the MPs entitlements.
1800hrs. 40 officers in plain clothes and with full tactical support assembled at Newport Central for a briefing, which has involved 6 months of undercover preparatory work. As it was a Saturday night the full power of Gwent Police was launched on Newport City Centre in a clampdown on illegal taxi drivers. No arrests were made but 12 warnings were handed out to local taxi drivers for offences ranging from Driving without a License (a license to drive a Mumbai Donkey cart is not considered to be worthy enough to allow the driver to drive around Newport, yet), to Not Renewing the Car Air Freshener (European Directive 25672/03/07).
2015hrs. A 999 call was made by a member of the public who had been mugged in the centre of Newport. Unfortunately all our officers were engaged on other duties and so the member of the public was instructed to call in to the police station on Monday between 1000 and 1300hrs where their statement may be taken if any officers are available.
2240hrs. It was with a sense of emergency that the Duty Officer realised that the Doughnut run to McDonald's had not been carried out. 2 cars were immediately sent out to the McDonalds on the Coldra, using 'blues and twos' all the way down Chepstow Road. Both cars arrived on the scene before McDonald's had closed and successfully apprehended the supply of doughnuts for the station. The doughnuts were escorted back to Newport Central Police Station again using 'blues and twos' and enjoyed by all the hardworking officers present.
2300hrs. A call was received by a member of the public who lives on Chepstow Road, complaining about the police sirens being used on a virtually empty road at night. The member of the public was instructed that in emergency life and death situations the senior officers make decisions that may cause inconvenience to members of the public, however they are for the benefit of society as a whole. The member of the public was still unhappy so PC Jones took down the details of the complainer. A search of the DVLA database revealed the complainants car is a Vauxhall Astra registration number ********* and it has been scheduled for 'random' stops by the Gwent Police over the next few weeks.
