Tuesday, 17 February 2009

What goes on in Newport Central Police Station

0800 hrs. Today the entire force turned out to watch the Chief Constable Roger Out, ably assisted by PCSO Quentin Crisp, raise the multi-coloured flag of the Lesbian Gay Transgender Asexual Alliance whilst all singing the Tom Robinson song “Glad to be Gay”. As the salute was taken, the Chief Constable urged everyone present to “Remember those of varying sexual preferences who had offered up their lives for the freedoms we hold dear today and thanked the Labour Government for allowing police officers to waste their time on cheap publicity stunts rather than catch criminals”. The photographer from the local paper who was covering the event was then arrested for “Taking photographs of known police officers” as this is now illegal under a law passed by “Gay” Gordon Brown.

0830 An accident occurred on the M4 and as a result a small group of officers were forced to miss the lecture “How to cope with transgender golf fans when the Rider Cup comes to Newport in 2010”. However most of the force were able to attend the lecture and the accident was soon cleared up 8 hours later. The officers who missed the lecture have been given time off for “Emotional Damage” as they had expected to start the day dealing with the problems of the Transgender community and not with clearing up after a major road traffic accident. They are expected to return to work in the next few weeks when the lecture will be rescheduled.

0930 A risk assessment was circulated instructing officers not to hold hands whilst walking through Newport City Centre. The Gay Police Association objected to this saying that it is the right of their members to want to hold hands if they wished. This was accepted by the Chief Constable but he reminded those officers who have “friends” in the force that they should unlock hands when approaching lampposts and other street furniture as injuries had occurred recently.

1000 A 999 call was received from an elderly lady who complained that she had been attacked “by a black man” who stole her handbag. She was immediately arrested for “Use of Non-Politically Correct Language”, and taken to Newport Central Police Station where she was given a severe talking to by Sergeant Inman, Ethno-diversity Officer, on “How to refer to people of varying ethnic diversity”. The elderly lady was later given a police escort to the Royal Gwent Hospital where she later passed away after suffering a coronary.

1100 PCs Williams and Howard attended Duffryn Junior School where the children had been making snowmen in the recent bad weather. The children were instructed that the “Snowman” is sexist and PCSO Crisp and PC Howard showed the children their designs for Snowwomen, Snowtransgenders and Snow people of no particular sexual preferences, which the children were told to use in the future when we have more snow on account of Global Warming. On leaving the school an hour later, the PCs found that the tyres of their car had been slashed, forcing them to use public transport to return to the station where they spent the reminder of the day filling in Form AB178b “How to cope with the emotional trauma of having a police car damaged”.

1200 Chief Constable Roger Out attended a gender alignment test administered by PCSO Crisp, who has offered to have sex with all the male members of Gwent Police Force in order to establish their true sexual preference. PCSO Crisp has acquired enough condoms for all of Gwent Police from the Gay Police Association which has been funded by a grant from the Home Office. Chief Constable Out said he had enjoyed the experience and will take definitely be taking things further at the Chief Constables Association meeting in Brighton later in the year.

1300 A call was received from a farmer in St Brides Wentlooge who complained that “Gypos had set up camp on his land”. Sergeant Inman, Officer with Special Responsibility for Ethno-diversity and Travelling Community members was despatched to the farm where he instructed the farmer in the correct terminology to use when referring to members of the Travelling Community. As the farmer then proceeded to go for his shotgun, the Armed Response Unit was called and after firing 30 rounds of ammunition the farmer was found to be dead. Sergeant Inman then apologised to the Travelling Community for the noise and disturbance caused by the use of firearms by the police.

1400 A delegation of Animal Rights activists, amongst them members of PETA, were shown around the station and expressed their concern at the menu in the staff canteen which mentioned “Fish and Chips”. The PETA members pointed out that the politically correct term for fish is “Sea Kitten” and asked that the menu be changed immediately. Inspector Winton, who has Special Responsibility for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, changed the menu to read “Sea Kittens and Chips” and also ordered officers to approach all Take Away outlets and restaurants in the Gwent Police area to make sure that their owners are complying with the renaming of fish as sea kitten. After that misunderstanding a buffet of tofu was enjoyed by all present.

1500 A call was made to the station from a resident in Baneswell that 2 men had been seen cottaging in a nearby public space. The member of the public was reminded that Baneswell has been designated by the Home Office and Newport City Council as the gay quarter of Newport and as such what men, women or transgenders wish to get up in public areas is no business of anyone else. The caller lost his temper over this and police officers were despatched to his house where he was arrested for “Wasting Police Time” and “Voyeurism”.

1600 A call was received from WPC Bimbo asking for assistance after a man was seen to be walking on a flower bed. 5 police cars were despatched and 17 officers attended the scene where the gentleman in question was found not to have caused any damage but was arrested so the members of the police present did not loose any face. Later at the station, WPC Bimbo wrote up her notebook with the help of the other officers.

1700 A delegation of Jihadists from Pill were welcomed to the station. They came to discuss their right to march in honour of their Prophet, PBUH, and to strip half naked and flagellate themselves with chains and whips whilst parading through the City. Members of the Gay Police Association sympathised with their views and offered to join the march, on condition that they could wear gimp masks. The Jihadists agreed on condition that the Sodomites receive the just will of Allah under Sharia Law. Members of the Gay Police Association therefore withdrew their offer to join the march.

1800 An undercover investigation in a local pub, covertly filmed members of the public over two days blatantly using sexist terms by calling the barmaid “Love” and “Darling”. Twenty arrests were made and the customers were charged under the Equal Treatment Directive 2006/54/EC. The members of the CID responsible for the surveillance were give leave on the grounds of being “Tired and Emotional” after two days fitting in with customers in a local pub.

With apologies to Private Eye and the boys in blue at Neasden Central Police Station