Friday, 10 August 2012

New shop for Newport!

The City Centre of Newport is well on the way to recovery with the opening of another shop that will allow the City to compete with the likes of St Davids 2 in Cardiff.

The new Banardo's charity shop on Commercial Street was officially opened today by local Member of Parliament, Paul Flynn who buys all of his clothes at charity shops in his constituency in order to keep up his appearance of being dressed like a tramp.

A spokesman for the City Centre said, "Its says something for business in Newport when we can attract big names like Banardo's to our City, along with Shaw Trust and all the other big players in the charity shop sector. Cardiff may have Saint Davids 2 and House a Fraser but you won't be able to pick up a Jeffrey Archer novel or an X-Files video at any of their swanky stores".

Newport City Centre has recently seen an increase in footfall, this was due to the number of visitors who came to the City to view newly installed water feature in Westgate Square, which may become a permanent feature.

Friday, 26 March 2010

Recession ends as Poundland open new store

The citizens of Newport were jumping for joy in the newly tarmacked John Frost Square as the end of the recession had surely come to the city with the opening of a new Poundland store in the mostly empty Kingsway Shopping Centre. Cardiff may have John Lewis and the St Davids 2 Shopping Centre but given the choice of shopping in Newport or Cardiff, the chavs of Bettws, Ringland and Duffryn would prefer to go shoplifting in Newport, with a special preference for
"Its fooking great", said Kevin, 22, from Ringland, "This new shop has loads of tat for a quid or free if I nicks it. Lots of prezzies for the kidies at Christmas as well".
A spokesman for Newport City Council was reported as saying that the new Poundland store definetly signaled the end of the recession in Newport and that the council were considering adding the Poundland logo to the City's coat of arms.
Newport - home of the Ryder Cup 2010 and big enough to have 2 Poundland shops.

Saturday, 12 December 2009

Newport skanks look forward to having a Tiger in their tanks

The slovenly-looking women of Newport are looking forward to the Ryder Cup in 2010 and especially to the visit to the City of golfer Tiger Woods.
A spokesperson for the man-grabbing sluts said that looking at the class of women Tiger goes for such as cocktail waitresses, Newport is more than able to offer the same quality of eager man-eaters willing to have sex with a multi-millionaire sports personality. Fourteen-year old Chanterelle, who was interviewed on Friday night in a City-centre Wethersoons said, after her fifth alcopop "I wuz going to get myself preggers and get a council house but instead I'll get me clit pierced and my tits out for Tiger when he's in town!"
Newport City Council welcomed the news, saying that with all the slappers we have in Newport on Friday and Saturday nights Tiger would be spoilt for choice.
The landlady from the Hornblower pub was unavailable to comment.

Saturday, 7 November 2009

Newport Council Announces Car Park for Rider Cup

In anticipation of the Rider Cup 2010, Newport City Council have designated the estate of Ringland as a "car park zone". This means that anyone who wishes to drive to the Celtic Manner can leave their car in the relatively safe area of the Ringland estate and return a few hours later,safe in the knowledge that the local wildlife will not have broken into the car, stolen the tyres, bricked the window or set fire to the vehicle. The above photo shows the rear of the Ringland shopping centre, one of the designated parking areas. The Ringland shopping centre will soon rival Crib's Causeway as an out-of-town venue for high quality designer goods, alongside the discount supermarket, bakers, chippy and betting shop that already grace this monument to 1960s town planning. There are high hopes that the local pub, the Battleship, sorry Friendship but last known as Harveys will be reopenning soon as no one has been stabbed there for almost a year.

Thursday, 3 September 2009

Walking past a High Street pub in Newport the other night, one of the the Editors came across these signs in the window of the Greyhound. Now neither blog Editor has not frequented this establishment in many years, Ye Olde Murenger House being the favoured drinking hole in the City Centre, but what type of pub has to put a notice in the window stating that "Footwear Must Be Worn at All Times"?
I had not realised this was ever a problem in Newport with customers not wearing shoes on a night out, after all we are very close to a sandy beach, well a muddy river to be exact, but is it really necessary to put a notice in the window to that effect? Apparently the management of the Greyhound deem it necessary.
We can understand the bit about "No Hoodies and No Tracksuits" and it is no great loss as the chavs are catered for by 4 Wetherspoons elsewhere in the City Centre, but "No Hats". One of the Editors regularly wears a hat, an expensive Australian leather hat that keeps his head dry in the rain and protects the (ever increasing) bald patch from getting sunburnt. So they are telling me to take my custom elsewhere if I wear a hat out? Don't think I will be going into this pub anytime soon.

This article arose after a conversation on Twitter, if you wish to follow me and my beery/cider/pub related tweets then please click here. This article first appeared on Brew Wales

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

Gwent Police Log, Saturday 27th June 2009

Gwent Police Log ,'A' Division, Newport Central

Saturday 27th June 2009

1300hrs. The members of Gwent Constabulary were proud to support Armed Forces day as the soldiers from Newport were escorted through the City. The wounded veterans of the 3rd Taliban Regiment of Goat Rapers were escorted from their homes in Pill to the Benefits Office where they were able to claim for disability and other benefits due to their wounds received whilst fighting the British Army in Afghanistan. Those Jihadists who were able to walk were then escorted up to the job centre on Charles Street where they submitted their claims for unemployment benefit before being escorted back home to their parents shops in Pill. The march passed off peaceably apart from objections by members of the far-right British Legion who objected to the police supporting members of the Taliban in this way. Six members of the British Legion had to be Tasered and arrested for Breach of the Peace and taken away to Newport Central Police Station when they tried to disrupt the lawful march of our returning war heroes.

1500hrs. In the course of arresting a Second World War veteran who was complaining about the Taliban march, PC Williams succeeded in firing a Taser into his own hand. Chief Constable Out has taken immediate action and PC Williams is now receiving firearms training that will allow him to use what he describes as “Proper guns like what they use on The Wire”.

1600hrs. A PCSO mistakenly left the door of Maindee Police open and a member of the public walked in and attempted to make a statement about what he called 'a crime' that he had witnessed. Due to increased Government funding in the police the opening hours of Maindee Police Station are 1000-1300 Monday-Friday (not Wednesday, alternate Tuesdays or Fridays during Ramadan) so the member of the public was escorted off the premises and instructed to return to the station on Monday morning.

1630hrs. Newport Central. A member of the public asked if the Police were going to take any action over the local Member of Parliament and his expenses fiddling as a tabloid newspaper had described the member as a “Thieving Bastard”. Sergeant Inman pointed out that the MP was well known to all local officers as they are all members of the same lodge and that Chief Constable Out regular plays golf with the local MP so there was no need to make enquiries into the MPs entitlements.

1800hrs. 40 officers in plain clothes and with full tactical support assembled at Newport Central for a briefing, which has involved 6 months of undercover preparatory work. As it was a Saturday night the full power of Gwent Police was launched on Newport City Centre in a clampdown on illegal taxi drivers. No arrests were made but 12 warnings were handed out to local taxi drivers for offences ranging from Driving without a License (a license to drive a Mumbai Donkey cart is not considered to be worthy enough to allow the driver to drive around Newport, yet), to Not Renewing the Car Air Freshener (European Directive 25672/03/07).

2015hrs. A 999 call was made by a member of the public who had been mugged in the centre of Newport. Unfortunately all our officers were engaged on other duties and so the member of the public was instructed to call in to the police station on Monday between 1000 and 1300hrs where their statement may be taken if any officers are available.

2240hrs. It was with a sense of emergency that the Duty Officer realised that the Doughnut run to McDonald's had not been carried out. 2 cars were immediately sent out to the McDonalds on the Coldra, using 'blues and twos' all the way down Chepstow Road. Both cars arrived on the scene before McDonald's had closed and successfully apprehended the supply of doughnuts for the station. The doughnuts were escorted back to Newport Central Police Station again using 'blues and twos' and enjoyed by all the hardworking officers present.

2300hrs. A call was received by a member of the public who lives on Chepstow Road, complaining about the police sirens being used on a virtually empty road at night. The member of the public was instructed that in emergency life and death situations the senior officers make decisions that may cause inconvenience to members of the public, however they are for the benefit of society as a whole. The member of the public was still unhappy so PC Jones took down the details of the complainer. A search of the DVLA database revealed the complainants car is a Vauxhall Astra registration number ********* and it has been scheduled for 'random' stops by the Gwent Police over the next few weeks.

Thursday, 21 May 2009

Ringland Home of the Ryder Cup 2010

Now that is a headline that will not be promoting the Ryder Cup in 2010.

See the burned out litter bins, the strewn needles from the crack addicts, used heroin wraps, muggers, chavs and feral hoodie youth.

Lots of parking for all the posh cars, just a shame that the owners will never see them again after parking them, along with their wallets, coats and other valuables taken at knife/gun point.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

What goes on in Newport Central Police Station

0800 hrs. Today the entire force turned out to watch the Chief Constable Roger Out, ably assisted by PCSO Quentin Crisp, raise the multi-coloured flag of the Lesbian Gay Transgender Asexual Alliance whilst all singing the Tom Robinson song “Glad to be Gay”. As the salute was taken, the Chief Constable urged everyone present to “Remember those of varying sexual preferences who had offered up their lives for the freedoms we hold dear today and thanked the Labour Government for allowing police officers to waste their time on cheap publicity stunts rather than catch criminals”. The photographer from the local paper who was covering the event was then arrested for “Taking photographs of known police officers” as this is now illegal under a law passed by “Gay” Gordon Brown.

0830 An accident occurred on the M4 and as a result a small group of officers were forced to miss the lecture “How to cope with transgender golf fans when the Rider Cup comes to Newport in 2010”. However most of the force were able to attend the lecture and the accident was soon cleared up 8 hours later. The officers who missed the lecture have been given time off for “Emotional Damage” as they had expected to start the day dealing with the problems of the Transgender community and not with clearing up after a major road traffic accident. They are expected to return to work in the next few weeks when the lecture will be rescheduled.

0930 A risk assessment was circulated instructing officers not to hold hands whilst walking through Newport City Centre. The Gay Police Association objected to this saying that it is the right of their members to want to hold hands if they wished. This was accepted by the Chief Constable but he reminded those officers who have “friends” in the force that they should unlock hands when approaching lampposts and other street furniture as injuries had occurred recently.

1000 A 999 call was received from an elderly lady who complained that she had been attacked “by a black man” who stole her handbag. She was immediately arrested for “Use of Non-Politically Correct Language”, and taken to Newport Central Police Station where she was given a severe talking to by Sergeant Inman, Ethno-diversity Officer, on “How to refer to people of varying ethnic diversity”. The elderly lady was later given a police escort to the Royal Gwent Hospital where she later passed away after suffering a coronary.

1100 PCs Williams and Howard attended Duffryn Junior School where the children had been making snowmen in the recent bad weather. The children were instructed that the “Snowman” is sexist and PCSO Crisp and PC Howard showed the children their designs for Snowwomen, Snowtransgenders and Snow people of no particular sexual preferences, which the children were told to use in the future when we have more snow on account of Global Warming. On leaving the school an hour later, the PCs found that the tyres of their car had been slashed, forcing them to use public transport to return to the station where they spent the reminder of the day filling in Form AB178b “How to cope with the emotional trauma of having a police car damaged”.

1200 Chief Constable Roger Out attended a gender alignment test administered by PCSO Crisp, who has offered to have sex with all the male members of Gwent Police Force in order to establish their true sexual preference. PCSO Crisp has acquired enough condoms for all of Gwent Police from the Gay Police Association which has been funded by a grant from the Home Office. Chief Constable Out said he had enjoyed the experience and will take definitely be taking things further at the Chief Constables Association meeting in Brighton later in the year.

1300 A call was received from a farmer in St Brides Wentlooge who complained that “Gypos had set up camp on his land”. Sergeant Inman, Officer with Special Responsibility for Ethno-diversity and Travelling Community members was despatched to the farm where he instructed the farmer in the correct terminology to use when referring to members of the Travelling Community. As the farmer then proceeded to go for his shotgun, the Armed Response Unit was called and after firing 30 rounds of ammunition the farmer was found to be dead. Sergeant Inman then apologised to the Travelling Community for the noise and disturbance caused by the use of firearms by the police.

1400 A delegation of Animal Rights activists, amongst them members of PETA, were shown around the station and expressed their concern at the menu in the staff canteen which mentioned “Fish and Chips”. The PETA members pointed out that the politically correct term for fish is “Sea Kitten” and asked that the menu be changed immediately. Inspector Winton, who has Special Responsibility for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, changed the menu to read “Sea Kittens and Chips” and also ordered officers to approach all Take Away outlets and restaurants in the Gwent Police area to make sure that their owners are complying with the renaming of fish as sea kitten. After that misunderstanding a buffet of tofu was enjoyed by all present.

1500 A call was made to the station from a resident in Baneswell that 2 men had been seen cottaging in a nearby public space. The member of the public was reminded that Baneswell has been designated by the Home Office and Newport City Council as the gay quarter of Newport and as such what men, women or transgenders wish to get up in public areas is no business of anyone else. The caller lost his temper over this and police officers were despatched to his house where he was arrested for “Wasting Police Time” and “Voyeurism”.

1600 A call was received from WPC Bimbo asking for assistance after a man was seen to be walking on a flower bed. 5 police cars were despatched and 17 officers attended the scene where the gentleman in question was found not to have caused any damage but was arrested so the members of the police present did not loose any face. Later at the station, WPC Bimbo wrote up her notebook with the help of the other officers.

1700 A delegation of Jihadists from Pill were welcomed to the station. They came to discuss their right to march in honour of their Prophet, PBUH, and to strip half naked and flagellate themselves with chains and whips whilst parading through the City. Members of the Gay Police Association sympathised with their views and offered to join the march, on condition that they could wear gimp masks. The Jihadists agreed on condition that the Sodomites receive the just will of Allah under Sharia Law. Members of the Gay Police Association therefore withdrew their offer to join the march.

1800 An undercover investigation in a local pub, covertly filmed members of the public over two days blatantly using sexist terms by calling the barmaid “Love” and “Darling”. Twenty arrests were made and the customers were charged under the Equal Treatment Directive 2006/54/EC. The members of the CID responsible for the surveillance were give leave on the grounds of being “Tired and Emotional” after two days fitting in with customers in a local pub.

With apologies to Private Eye and the boys in blue at Neasden Central Police Station

Thursday, 13 November 2008

Newport pub to improve

A former Newport city centre pub is to reopen with a better beer range and offering much improved quality. Lloyds on Cambrian Road, okay went under the name of Jarcals for a while, has been completely stripped out and refitted and will open as..........a Tesco Extra! Offering bottles of Theakstons Old Peculier, Czech Budvar and Black Sheep this will drastically improve the beer range in the half-derelict half built ghetto that Newport City Centre is at the moment.
Can't say I'm sad to see the pub go - beer used to be awful even in the days they did real ale. It was an Ansells house as the Brummie Brewery had bought up Newport brewers Lloyd & Yorath in the 1950s. After demolishing the brewery - it became an open-air car park for years as Newport was never improved by the Luftwaffe to any great extent, we had to rely on post war demolition to get our town to look like a bomb-site - Ansells had their local HQ above the Lloyds pub. Ansells Best was the standard beer or if you were lucky a warm pint of Tetleys could be found. Occasionally, the very rare Burton Ale would be found, even rarer would be finding it drinkable!
Ansells once dominated Newport, now very few of their former pubs are even open. Photo below is of the Tredegar Arms, Pill, taken in about 1997 before the area was "improved" ie, demolished.

Saturday, 4 October 2008

Environment Agency announces improvements to Newport City

The Environment Agency has finally set out it's plans to improve Newport - "The city of Newport will become a marina, on par with some of the more fashionable resorts on the coast of southern France. Due to global warming the south coast of France will become uninhabitable so Newport is being looked at as the host city for the Cannes film festival in 2020"
Benefits of flooding in Newport include:
-The Duffryn Diving school.
-Mynydd Maesglas - the council run rubbish dump will become prime property as it will be the only high ground for miles around.
-Increased trade links with the rest of the world as the docks will not be subject to tidal forces.
-The rivers Usk and Ebbw becoming navigable for miles upstream of Newport.
-Newport Bus company finally being able to give a valid reason for not providing a decent service.
-Increased fishing opportunities around the city.
-Duffryn and Maesglas estates to become coral reefs
Naturally these improvements are not supported by everyone - the bonkers local MP and self-confessed libelist Paul Flynn does not want to see his constituency improved as the Chavs who vote for him will see their council estates under water. Should cut down on crime on those estates then!

Friday, 26 September 2008

Scenes from Newport.

Visitors to our fair city will have to see some of the local sites.

Here we see the citys latest park and wash facility.

Thanks Mark for the pics...

Saturday, 12 July 2008

Shots from Newport

Welcome to Newport railway station, having traveled to this town from across the planet, what better site than that of a really patronising sign telling you that you might fall over if you dont use the hand rails provided.
Just across the road from the railway station we see this....
A few more yards down the road we see that some of the rubbish has been spread liberally around the streets of this fair town.
At least the seagulls get a feed, although if its stuff from the kebab shop that has the charcoal grill then they have my deepest sympathies...

Still at least we will have the golf in 2010!

Thursday, 10 July 2008

Local MP late for BBC!

Local Newport MP and self-confessed libelist Paul Flynn was late for a BBC Radio Wales interview on July 4th. After a visit to the Newport constituency slum of Pillistan the ageing MP admitted on his blog to driving his car to Tredegar in 25 minutes instead of the normal 50 minutes in would take. Not good for someone who is recovering from a stroke and has already had one car accident on the M4 this year. It was ironic that the interview was on 60 years of the NHS with this danger to the public nearly ending up on a hospital morgue table!

Monday, 7 July 2008

Newport Gwent - Places not to visit (post 1 )- Somerton

Somerton, or to give it the name by which it is known around Newport - Scumerton.

Think of a place that if it were able to twin with somewhere it would choose downtown Mogadishu (link to Google maps.) in Somalia, however I am sure that the various rival gang lords of Mogadishu would feel that Somerton would bring down the tone of the area and turn them down.

A place where each house has a TV dish, a dog barking in the garden - usually some feral pit bull or mastiff although alsatians and dobermans are still seen, along with an urban jungle that fails to cover up a clapped out Ford Fiesta and a broken fridge freezer. Designer garden gates laying down or at a 45 degree angle are also in fashion.

Many of the baseball hatted locals are very out of shape, the irony of wearing knock off sportswear is lost on them and I would not advise pointing out that they do not look like David Beckham. The beergut sports wear look is one that locals of both sexes engage in, often telling the sexes apart is quite difficult with Scumerton locals.

Women tend to have shorter beards and a hoard of feral offspring around them, use that as a general rule of thumb.

Somerton is quite quiet during the day in that most of the men will be in the pub during the day drinking the benefits payments, or out working as a taxi driver/window cleaner/odd job man in between dodging inspectors from the Dept. of Employment.

The chav look is very in, another local dress code is the ankle bracelet courtesy of the local police, this is seen as a rite of passage for many of Scumertons feral youth. We do their very best to be accepted into the local pack and gain their bracelet at the earliest age possible.

Whilst staying in Newport, you can be sure that if your car is left in an unsafe area(for example Scumerton) that it will be visited by one of the locals from this fine part of town.

Link to Google maps to show the first area of Newport to avoid(Scumerton)

Friday, 4 July 2008

Newport Video

A video of Newport, the pretty shitty city. This will show all the rich American's and Japanese tourists what to expect from the locals.

**Note to Japanese tourists, if you are mugged and your cameras get stolen you will be able to get them back. In the city centre we have a store called Cash Generator - known locally as "smack Generator" where all the local thugs go to see off stolen goods for a few wraps or whatever it is they need to get a fix of.

You might also consider filing a complaint with the police, although this will just cover you with the insurance company as our police are not very good at actually catching criminals these days.

Newport Transport

Don't expect the buses to run on time in Newport - they can't even spell Cardiff correctly!