Saturday, 12 December 2009

Newport skanks look forward to having a Tiger in their tanks

The slovenly-looking women of Newport are looking forward to the Ryder Cup in 2010 and especially to the visit to the City of golfer Tiger Woods.
A spokesperson for the man-grabbing sluts said that looking at the class of women Tiger goes for such as cocktail waitresses, Newport is more than able to offer the same quality of eager man-eaters willing to have sex with a multi-millionaire sports personality. Fourteen-year old Chanterelle, who was interviewed on Friday night in a City-centre Wethersoons said, after her fifth alcopop "I wuz going to get myself preggers and get a council house but instead I'll get me clit pierced and my tits out for Tiger when he's in town!"
Newport City Council welcomed the news, saying that with all the slappers we have in Newport on Friday and Saturday nights Tiger would be spoilt for choice.
The landlady from the Hornblower pub was unavailable to comment.

Saturday, 7 November 2009

Newport Council Announces Car Park for Rider Cup

In anticipation of the Rider Cup 2010, Newport City Council have designated the estate of Ringland as a "car park zone". This means that anyone who wishes to drive to the Celtic Manner can leave their car in the relatively safe area of the Ringland estate and return a few hours later,safe in the knowledge that the local wildlife will not have broken into the car, stolen the tyres, bricked the window or set fire to the vehicle. The above photo shows the rear of the Ringland shopping centre, one of the designated parking areas. The Ringland shopping centre will soon rival Crib's Causeway as an out-of-town venue for high quality designer goods, alongside the discount supermarket, bakers, chippy and betting shop that already grace this monument to 1960s town planning. There are high hopes that the local pub, the Battleship, sorry Friendship but last known as Harveys will be reopenning soon as no one has been stabbed there for almost a year.

Thursday, 3 September 2009

Walking past a High Street pub in Newport the other night, one of the the Editors came across these signs in the window of the Greyhound. Now neither blog Editor has not frequented this establishment in many years, Ye Olde Murenger House being the favoured drinking hole in the City Centre, but what type of pub has to put a notice in the window stating that "Footwear Must Be Worn at All Times"?
I had not realised this was ever a problem in Newport with customers not wearing shoes on a night out, after all we are very close to a sandy beach, well a muddy river to be exact, but is it really necessary to put a notice in the window to that effect? Apparently the management of the Greyhound deem it necessary.
We can understand the bit about "No Hoodies and No Tracksuits" and it is no great loss as the chavs are catered for by 4 Wetherspoons elsewhere in the City Centre, but "No Hats". One of the Editors regularly wears a hat, an expensive Australian leather hat that keeps his head dry in the rain and protects the (ever increasing) bald patch from getting sunburnt. So they are telling me to take my custom elsewhere if I wear a hat out? Don't think I will be going into this pub anytime soon.

This article arose after a conversation on Twitter, if you wish to follow me and my beery/cider/pub related tweets then please click here. This article first appeared on Brew Wales

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

Gwent Police Log, Saturday 27th June 2009

Gwent Police Log ,'A' Division, Newport Central

Saturday 27th June 2009

1300hrs. The members of Gwent Constabulary were proud to support Armed Forces day as the soldiers from Newport were escorted through the City. The wounded veterans of the 3rd Taliban Regiment of Goat Rapers were escorted from their homes in Pill to the Benefits Office where they were able to claim for disability and other benefits due to their wounds received whilst fighting the British Army in Afghanistan. Those Jihadists who were able to walk were then escorted up to the job centre on Charles Street where they submitted their claims for unemployment benefit before being escorted back home to their parents shops in Pill. The march passed off peaceably apart from objections by members of the far-right British Legion who objected to the police supporting members of the Taliban in this way. Six members of the British Legion had to be Tasered and arrested for Breach of the Peace and taken away to Newport Central Police Station when they tried to disrupt the lawful march of our returning war heroes.

1500hrs. In the course of arresting a Second World War veteran who was complaining about the Taliban march, PC Williams succeeded in firing a Taser into his own hand. Chief Constable Out has taken immediate action and PC Williams is now receiving firearms training that will allow him to use what he describes as “Proper guns like what they use on The Wire”.

1600hrs. A PCSO mistakenly left the door of Maindee Police open and a member of the public walked in and attempted to make a statement about what he called 'a crime' that he had witnessed. Due to increased Government funding in the police the opening hours of Maindee Police Station are 1000-1300 Monday-Friday (not Wednesday, alternate Tuesdays or Fridays during Ramadan) so the member of the public was escorted off the premises and instructed to return to the station on Monday morning.

1630hrs. Newport Central. A member of the public asked if the Police were going to take any action over the local Member of Parliament and his expenses fiddling as a tabloid newspaper had described the member as a “Thieving Bastard”. Sergeant Inman pointed out that the MP was well known to all local officers as they are all members of the same lodge and that Chief Constable Out regular plays golf with the local MP so there was no need to make enquiries into the MPs entitlements.

1800hrs. 40 officers in plain clothes and with full tactical support assembled at Newport Central for a briefing, which has involved 6 months of undercover preparatory work. As it was a Saturday night the full power of Gwent Police was launched on Newport City Centre in a clampdown on illegal taxi drivers. No arrests were made but 12 warnings were handed out to local taxi drivers for offences ranging from Driving without a License (a license to drive a Mumbai Donkey cart is not considered to be worthy enough to allow the driver to drive around Newport, yet), to Not Renewing the Car Air Freshener (European Directive 25672/03/07).

2015hrs. A 999 call was made by a member of the public who had been mugged in the centre of Newport. Unfortunately all our officers were engaged on other duties and so the member of the public was instructed to call in to the police station on Monday between 1000 and 1300hrs where their statement may be taken if any officers are available.

2240hrs. It was with a sense of emergency that the Duty Officer realised that the Doughnut run to McDonald's had not been carried out. 2 cars were immediately sent out to the McDonalds on the Coldra, using 'blues and twos' all the way down Chepstow Road. Both cars arrived on the scene before McDonald's had closed and successfully apprehended the supply of doughnuts for the station. The doughnuts were escorted back to Newport Central Police Station again using 'blues and twos' and enjoyed by all the hardworking officers present.

2300hrs. A call was received by a member of the public who lives on Chepstow Road, complaining about the police sirens being used on a virtually empty road at night. The member of the public was instructed that in emergency life and death situations the senior officers make decisions that may cause inconvenience to members of the public, however they are for the benefit of society as a whole. The member of the public was still unhappy so PC Jones took down the details of the complainer. A search of the DVLA database revealed the complainants car is a Vauxhall Astra registration number ********* and it has been scheduled for 'random' stops by the Gwent Police over the next few weeks.

Thursday, 21 May 2009

Ringland Home of the Ryder Cup 2010

Now that is a headline that will not be promoting the Ryder Cup in 2010.

See the burned out litter bins, the strewn needles from the crack addicts, used heroin wraps, muggers, chavs and feral hoodie youth.

Lots of parking for all the posh cars, just a shame that the owners will never see them again after parking them, along with their wallets, coats and other valuables taken at knife/gun point.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

What goes on in Newport Central Police Station

0800 hrs. Today the entire force turned out to watch the Chief Constable Roger Out, ably assisted by PCSO Quentin Crisp, raise the multi-coloured flag of the Lesbian Gay Transgender Asexual Alliance whilst all singing the Tom Robinson song “Glad to be Gay”. As the salute was taken, the Chief Constable urged everyone present to “Remember those of varying sexual preferences who had offered up their lives for the freedoms we hold dear today and thanked the Labour Government for allowing police officers to waste their time on cheap publicity stunts rather than catch criminals”. The photographer from the local paper who was covering the event was then arrested for “Taking photographs of known police officers” as this is now illegal under a law passed by “Gay” Gordon Brown.

0830 An accident occurred on the M4 and as a result a small group of officers were forced to miss the lecture “How to cope with transgender golf fans when the Rider Cup comes to Newport in 2010”. However most of the force were able to attend the lecture and the accident was soon cleared up 8 hours later. The officers who missed the lecture have been given time off for “Emotional Damage” as they had expected to start the day dealing with the problems of the Transgender community and not with clearing up after a major road traffic accident. They are expected to return to work in the next few weeks when the lecture will be rescheduled.

0930 A risk assessment was circulated instructing officers not to hold hands whilst walking through Newport City Centre. The Gay Police Association objected to this saying that it is the right of their members to want to hold hands if they wished. This was accepted by the Chief Constable but he reminded those officers who have “friends” in the force that they should unlock hands when approaching lampposts and other street furniture as injuries had occurred recently.

1000 A 999 call was received from an elderly lady who complained that she had been attacked “by a black man” who stole her handbag. She was immediately arrested for “Use of Non-Politically Correct Language”, and taken to Newport Central Police Station where she was given a severe talking to by Sergeant Inman, Ethno-diversity Officer, on “How to refer to people of varying ethnic diversity”. The elderly lady was later given a police escort to the Royal Gwent Hospital where she later passed away after suffering a coronary.

1100 PCs Williams and Howard attended Duffryn Junior School where the children had been making snowmen in the recent bad weather. The children were instructed that the “Snowman” is sexist and PCSO Crisp and PC Howard showed the children their designs for Snowwomen, Snowtransgenders and Snow people of no particular sexual preferences, which the children were told to use in the future when we have more snow on account of Global Warming. On leaving the school an hour later, the PCs found that the tyres of their car had been slashed, forcing them to use public transport to return to the station where they spent the reminder of the day filling in Form AB178b “How to cope with the emotional trauma of having a police car damaged”.

1200 Chief Constable Roger Out attended a gender alignment test administered by PCSO Crisp, who has offered to have sex with all the male members of Gwent Police Force in order to establish their true sexual preference. PCSO Crisp has acquired enough condoms for all of Gwent Police from the Gay Police Association which has been funded by a grant from the Home Office. Chief Constable Out said he had enjoyed the experience and will take definitely be taking things further at the Chief Constables Association meeting in Brighton later in the year.

1300 A call was received from a farmer in St Brides Wentlooge who complained that “Gypos had set up camp on his land”. Sergeant Inman, Officer with Special Responsibility for Ethno-diversity and Travelling Community members was despatched to the farm where he instructed the farmer in the correct terminology to use when referring to members of the Travelling Community. As the farmer then proceeded to go for his shotgun, the Armed Response Unit was called and after firing 30 rounds of ammunition the farmer was found to be dead. Sergeant Inman then apologised to the Travelling Community for the noise and disturbance caused by the use of firearms by the police.

1400 A delegation of Animal Rights activists, amongst them members of PETA, were shown around the station and expressed their concern at the menu in the staff canteen which mentioned “Fish and Chips”. The PETA members pointed out that the politically correct term for fish is “Sea Kitten” and asked that the menu be changed immediately. Inspector Winton, who has Special Responsibility for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, changed the menu to read “Sea Kittens and Chips” and also ordered officers to approach all Take Away outlets and restaurants in the Gwent Police area to make sure that their owners are complying with the renaming of fish as sea kitten. After that misunderstanding a buffet of tofu was enjoyed by all present.

1500 A call was made to the station from a resident in Baneswell that 2 men had been seen cottaging in a nearby public space. The member of the public was reminded that Baneswell has been designated by the Home Office and Newport City Council as the gay quarter of Newport and as such what men, women or transgenders wish to get up in public areas is no business of anyone else. The caller lost his temper over this and police officers were despatched to his house where he was arrested for “Wasting Police Time” and “Voyeurism”.

1600 A call was received from WPC Bimbo asking for assistance after a man was seen to be walking on a flower bed. 5 police cars were despatched and 17 officers attended the scene where the gentleman in question was found not to have caused any damage but was arrested so the members of the police present did not loose any face. Later at the station, WPC Bimbo wrote up her notebook with the help of the other officers.

1700 A delegation of Jihadists from Pill were welcomed to the station. They came to discuss their right to march in honour of their Prophet, PBUH, and to strip half naked and flagellate themselves with chains and whips whilst parading through the City. Members of the Gay Police Association sympathised with their views and offered to join the march, on condition that they could wear gimp masks. The Jihadists agreed on condition that the Sodomites receive the just will of Allah under Sharia Law. Members of the Gay Police Association therefore withdrew their offer to join the march.

1800 An undercover investigation in a local pub, covertly filmed members of the public over two days blatantly using sexist terms by calling the barmaid “Love” and “Darling”. Twenty arrests were made and the customers were charged under the Equal Treatment Directive 2006/54/EC. The members of the CID responsible for the surveillance were give leave on the grounds of being “Tired and Emotional” after two days fitting in with customers in a local pub.

With apologies to Private Eye and the boys in blue at Neasden Central Police Station