Thursday, 13 November 2008

Newport pub to improve

A former Newport city centre pub is to reopen with a better beer range and offering much improved quality. Lloyds on Cambrian Road, okay went under the name of Jarcals for a while, has been completely stripped out and refitted and will open as..........a Tesco Extra! Offering bottles of Theakstons Old Peculier, Czech Budvar and Black Sheep this will drastically improve the beer range in the half-derelict half built ghetto that Newport City Centre is at the moment.
Can't say I'm sad to see the pub go - beer used to be awful even in the days they did real ale. It was an Ansells house as the Brummie Brewery had bought up Newport brewers Lloyd & Yorath in the 1950s. After demolishing the brewery - it became an open-air car park for years as Newport was never improved by the Luftwaffe to any great extent, we had to rely on post war demolition to get our town to look like a bomb-site - Ansells had their local HQ above the Lloyds pub. Ansells Best was the standard beer or if you were lucky a warm pint of Tetleys could be found. Occasionally, the very rare Burton Ale would be found, even rarer would be finding it drinkable!
Ansells once dominated Newport, now very few of their former pubs are even open. Photo below is of the Tredegar Arms, Pill, taken in about 1997 before the area was "improved" ie, demolished.

Saturday, 4 October 2008

Environment Agency announces improvements to Newport City

The Environment Agency has finally set out it's plans to improve Newport - "The city of Newport will become a marina, on par with some of the more fashionable resorts on the coast of southern France. Due to global warming the south coast of France will become uninhabitable so Newport is being looked at as the host city for the Cannes film festival in 2020"
Benefits of flooding in Newport include:
-The Duffryn Diving school.
-Mynydd Maesglas - the council run rubbish dump will become prime property as it will be the only high ground for miles around.
-Increased trade links with the rest of the world as the docks will not be subject to tidal forces.
-The rivers Usk and Ebbw becoming navigable for miles upstream of Newport.
-Newport Bus company finally being able to give a valid reason for not providing a decent service.
-Increased fishing opportunities around the city.
-Duffryn and Maesglas estates to become coral reefs
Naturally these improvements are not supported by everyone - the bonkers local MP and self-confessed libelist Paul Flynn does not want to see his constituency improved as the Chavs who vote for him will see their council estates under water. Should cut down on crime on those estates then!

Friday, 26 September 2008

Scenes from Newport.

Visitors to our fair city will have to see some of the local sites.

Here we see the citys latest park and wash facility.

Thanks Mark for the pics...

Saturday, 12 July 2008

Shots from Newport

Welcome to Newport railway station, having traveled to this town from across the planet, what better site than that of a really patronising sign telling you that you might fall over if you dont use the hand rails provided.
Just across the road from the railway station we see this....
A few more yards down the road we see that some of the rubbish has been spread liberally around the streets of this fair town.
At least the seagulls get a feed, although if its stuff from the kebab shop that has the charcoal grill then they have my deepest sympathies...

Still at least we will have the golf in 2010!

Thursday, 10 July 2008

Local MP late for BBC!

Local Newport MP and self-confessed libelist Paul Flynn was late for a BBC Radio Wales interview on July 4th. After a visit to the Newport constituency slum of Pillistan the ageing MP admitted on his blog to driving his car to Tredegar in 25 minutes instead of the normal 50 minutes in would take. Not good for someone who is recovering from a stroke and has already had one car accident on the M4 this year. It was ironic that the interview was on 60 years of the NHS with this danger to the public nearly ending up on a hospital morgue table!

Monday, 7 July 2008

Newport Gwent - Places not to visit (post 1 )- Somerton

Somerton, or to give it the name by which it is known around Newport - Scumerton.

Think of a place that if it were able to twin with somewhere it would choose downtown Mogadishu (link to Google maps.) in Somalia, however I am sure that the various rival gang lords of Mogadishu would feel that Somerton would bring down the tone of the area and turn them down.

A place where each house has a TV dish, a dog barking in the garden - usually some feral pit bull or mastiff although alsatians and dobermans are still seen, along with an urban jungle that fails to cover up a clapped out Ford Fiesta and a broken fridge freezer. Designer garden gates laying down or at a 45 degree angle are also in fashion.

Many of the baseball hatted locals are very out of shape, the irony of wearing knock off sportswear is lost on them and I would not advise pointing out that they do not look like David Beckham. The beergut sports wear look is one that locals of both sexes engage in, often telling the sexes apart is quite difficult with Scumerton locals.

Women tend to have shorter beards and a hoard of feral offspring around them, use that as a general rule of thumb.

Somerton is quite quiet during the day in that most of the men will be in the pub during the day drinking the benefits payments, or out working as a taxi driver/window cleaner/odd job man in between dodging inspectors from the Dept. of Employment.

The chav look is very in, another local dress code is the ankle bracelet courtesy of the local police, this is seen as a rite of passage for many of Scumertons feral youth. We do their very best to be accepted into the local pack and gain their bracelet at the earliest age possible.

Whilst staying in Newport, you can be sure that if your car is left in an unsafe area(for example Scumerton) that it will be visited by one of the locals from this fine part of town.

Link to Google maps to show the first area of Newport to avoid(Scumerton)

Friday, 4 July 2008

Newport Video

A video of Newport, the pretty shitty city. This will show all the rich American's and Japanese tourists what to expect from the locals.

**Note to Japanese tourists, if you are mugged and your cameras get stolen you will be able to get them back. In the city centre we have a store called Cash Generator - known locally as "smack Generator" where all the local thugs go to see off stolen goods for a few wraps or whatever it is they need to get a fix of.

You might also consider filing a complaint with the police, although this will just cover you with the insurance company as our police are not very good at actually catching criminals these days.

Newport Transport

Don't expect the buses to run on time in Newport - they can't even spell Cardiff correctly!